Several yards from the bank was a flask. I twisted the cap off and looked inside of it with one eye open and one eye closed. It was empty. I carried it over to the lake and filled it with water. After taking a quick drink from the flask, I realized that someone had had tequila in it previously, and I was getting the watered down left over remnants of it. Anything to keep me going, right?
I finally came upon the road with the "dead end" sign laying to the side. Walking past it, I grasped for the chain underneath my shirt and held it tightly. As I got closer and closer to the abandoned carnival, I started hearing something. I walked faster so I could hear it clearer. Someone was screaming.
I began to run. Everything became a blur as my feet desperately clung to the dirt and pebbles while I was treading along. The screams became more distinct as I got closer and closer.
"Helpp!" someone cried.
It was a girl's voice.
As I whizzed past the merry go round and the old roller coaster, I finally saw them.
I grabbed him and threw him as hard as my body possibly allowed. I fell down with him and scrambled to get up but I settled for grabbing his leg and he settled for kicking me in the side of the head. My left eye went dark.
I punched wildly at the air and caught him with three of them. I was trying to punch clear through the other side of him. Through my right eye, I could see that he was bleeding just as much as I was. I wasn't sure where she was.
We both stood up slowly, not wanting to get hurt any more than we already were.
"Hey man, I don't want to have to hurt you", he said.
"Kris? Is that you? What the fuck are you doing here?" I was so confused.
Kris was my best friend. I had known him since Kindergarten. This was the first time we had ever fought.
I forgot to wait for a reply, because I already knew part of the answer.
"I'm going to fucking kill you", I reasoned.
I charged at him and put my shoulder right into his abdomen and we both flew forward. His body broke my fall and I think my fall broke his ribs.
He laid there in pain and I stood up and looked for Lauren.
She was sitting in one of the bumper cars, crying.
I walked over to where she was and just stood there.
"He wrote the letter", she said in between breaths.
"I never should have went to sleep", I said.
I opened them and looked around, squinting to avoid the brightness of the sun. I was alone. There was no Lauren to be seen. And not only that, but the fire had been put out.
I sat up, puzzled.
"Did a bear eat her?" I said to myself.
I really hoped not. If a bear ate her, I'd feel guilty. I scrambled to stand up quickly and fell right back down, onto my face. I laid there miserably and all of a sudden I felt helpless.
I felt like I should have jumped from the cliff when I had the chance. I felt so stupid for believing her.
There was a note on the ground.
I picked it up with my bruised hands and read it quietly to myself.
Dear Ivan,
I didn't get eaten by a bear. Please don't worry about me. I'll see you again someday, but right now I need some time to myself. I hope you understand.
Love,
Lauren.
Bullshit. Love is bullshit. She's not a Hallmark card. She's selfish.
I crumbled up the note and threw it as hard as I could.
I was alone again. I needed to remind myself that I'm the only person I can really trust. I pulled the gold cross that my father had given me out of my shirt.
"I need some help from you, dad." I said as I looked to the sky.
I wondered if he heard me. I wondered if he could help me.
I wondered if it was normal to feel like this. Like you could just die and no one would care, even yourself. Like I don't even exist.
I started walking again, in the general direction of the cliff. I wasn't sure how far from it we had wandered, but I didn't care. I was alone now and that was enough for me.
As I was walking, I remembered something my mom had told me when I was little.
"Life is hard, Ivan. All you can do is keep trying. You have to try. You owe it to yourself."
I guess this was my dad's way of helping me. Funny, since they got divorced a month after she told me that.
I changed direction. I headed for the abandoned carnival.
We had been up half of the night. I wasn't sure what time it was at this point but Lauren was asleep and I was watching her. The fire was reflecting off of her face and I thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world.
Somehow she sensed that I was awake and I was looking at her and she opened her eyes without warning. I jumped and buried my face within my hands. She sat up and looked at me.
"Go to sleep, Ivan. You need to rest", she said.
My heart was still beating rapidly.
"Sorry. I was just making sure a bear didn't eat you while you were sleeping", I lied.
She knew exactly what I was actually doing, "You were staring at me because you like me."
I contemplated whether I should make a joke and deny it or if I should just act like I'm sleeping or if I should just admit it.
"You're beautiful, you know?" I said.
"Why else would you be staring at me while I'm sleeping?"
"Bears", I said.
"Oh, right. Bears." she grinned.
"Ten beautiful girls are killed each year by tragic bear accidents. I feel like it's my responsibility for you to not be one of those ten."
"You're such a loser", she said.
"I know I am. And you like it."
"No I don't", she replied.
I looked at her in awe and didn't know what to say. She was smiling for some reason, as if she was happy about making me feel unliked.
"I love it." she said.
My expression of awe didn't change, but the context of my wide open mouth differed entirely. I had never in my life heard something so cliche and beautiful that wasn't out of a Hallmark card. I was starting to think that's where she got these sayings from.
"Was that out of a Hallmark card?" I questioned.
"What?"
"Nothing", I muttered.
I laid my head down on the itchy grass and closed my eyes. I pretended like I was asleep and listened to Lauren's breathing. I was so tired.
After 30 minutes she finally laid down beside me. I opened my eyes when things got quiet and found her with her eyes open, staring straight into mine.
"Watching for bears?" I asked her.
"No, I just like you", she said.
