Vote ANP... Or Else

I enjoy following politics. It’s not something I could see myself doing professionally, but I feel that being well informed and opinionated are part of being a good American. But lately, I’ve been feeling that our current political machine’s gears are getting too jammed to function adequately. The problem arises with conflicts of ideology. Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Independents, Green, Constitutionals, etc, etc, all arguing and disagreeing, each fighting tooth and nail for political dominance. It made me think: What if there was one party so influential and powerful that they could unify everyone, whether they like it or not? Then it hit me, what we need is a revolution… what we need is the American Ninja Party (ANP)!!!!!!

Here is a list of their stances on many issues facing the country today. You can agree with them or… well, you should probably just agree with them….

Education- Ninjas begin their training and education at a Ninja Academy at age 5. They may choose to specialize or remain a regular ninja.

Jobs- Ninjas are all employed… as ninjas.

Racial Issues- Ninjas don’t see race or ethnicity, only threat or non-threat.

Feminism- Ninjas are all equal regardless of their gender. The only difference is female ninjas do their thing while wearing spike heels, ideal for puncturing lungs, and without ruining their sharpened poison-tipped manicure.

Abortions- Ninjas do not believe in abortion. However, gestational assassinations are allowed at the discretion of the mother and only the mother, since she will likely never see the mysterious stranger of the night who swiftly executed her impregnation.

Immigration- Ninjas are guarding the borders. Crossing illegally is ill-advised.

Green Living- Ninjas don’t drive cars or use electricity. Occasionally burning down an enemy’s home is the most environmentally detrimental thing they do. Also, they have no need for any kind of alternative energy source.

Climate Change- Ninjas respect the power of nature. They do not fear the elements, they embrace them.

Gun Control- Ninjas have no use for guns. Everyone carries a sword (and throwing stars and daggers for out-of-reach opponents).

Drugs- Ninjas don’t use drugs. They dull the senses.

Language- Ninjas are men of few words. Most communication is done by non-verbal queues and by sensing what other ninjas’ next moves.

Terrorism- Ninjas cannot be terrorized. If a potential tyrant tried to gather a following, he would be assassinated without hesitation and his movement would be prevented

Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico- Ninjas would have sensed the spill before it even started. Then dove, without any sort of protective apparatus, and repaired the would-be leak before it ever spilled a drop.

Gay Marriage- Ninjas don’t have gay marriage… or regular marriage. There sword is their life partner.

Death Penalty- Ninjas are all responsible carrying out beheadings of those who commit offenses worthy of capital punishment.

Economics- Ninjas have no need for an established economic system. Each individual is responsible for trade and acquisition of personal provisions.

Homelessness- Ninjas are nomadic. They never settle one in place for too long anyways.

Religion- Ninja Code is THE religion. It allows for respectful spirituality that is kept to oneself.

Military- Ninjas are so feared that they don’t need a military. If the need arose… everyone is a member.

Internal Opposition- Those who rise up against the Ninja administration are… dealt with.

Thanks for what we assume is your full support in our political movement! Remember to VOTE ANP… OR ELSE.

***Please be aware that this is purely satirical and does not reflect real political ideologies of me or anyone else for that matter***